Cassy in Multi-Pound Sponsorship Deal

Cassington's board of directors today announced a mega-bucks deal which will secure the future of the club for many months.

The OCA Division 5 outfit have teamed up with some of the area's top organisations in a deal which will send shockwaves through the league.

Standing beside the impressive new banner at the Elms Road Oval, Cassington's Pete Whitlock - who was a driving force behind the deal - said, "I bet Jonesy is the last to pay me".

17 Points and an...ASBO

An ELEVEN man Cassington side came away from Saturday's TIE with Swinbrook with more than just 17 vital points as batsman Dave Cole was sensationally given an ASBO.

Cole, who now must stay away from the ENTIRE VILLAGE, abused both the umpires and opposition after he was asked to refrain from encroaching onto the field of play.

The final straw for the authorities came when Cole, not content with his verbal tirade, attempted to RUGBY TACKLE the Swinbrook bowler following a quick single.

Cole was unavailable for comment yesterday but club captain Neil Morton said, "I'm just glad they didn't try to arrest him - he's a very dangerous man".

Whitlock Glory Grabbing Angers Skipper

Cassington wicket-keeper/batsman Pete Whitlock faced the wrath of under-pressure skipper Neil Morton on Saturday as his refusal to play for a draw cost Cassington.

Batting at number 10, with the rain coming in and new signing Jez Wilmshust looking immovable, Whitlock ignored clear instructions to "not go mental" - smashing shot after shot until he was eventually caught at mid-off.

"I can think of no other reason why we lost", said skipper Neil Morton who earlier ran out fellow opener Vaughan Roberts for 1.

The 145 run loss leaves Cassy rooted to the foot of the table and many fans will no doubt be wondering if selecting only 10 players each week really is the best policy.

Jez Fury

New signing Jez Wilmshurt was left fuming during Saturday's loss to Horley as batsman Chris Ashton PUT DOWN a catch that would have given the all-rounder a HAT-TRICK.

Earlier in the day, Cassington slow bowers Roberts and Jack (P) dropped catches off their own bowling as Horley piled on the runs.

"Caught and bowled chances are easy", said all-rounder Jason Fuller.

"They sure are", said skipper Neil Morton.

Cass-tralia - Not So Bonzer

Cassington's Australian contigent failed to impress during Saturday's home defeat by Wantage.

Glenn Smith and Doug Griffin were BOWLED FOR DUCKS and new signing Mitch Putland was caught STEALING ELECTRICITY as Cassington's supporters were left questioning the club's selection policy.

"We need more young local talent, like Carl Osgathorp", moaned one frustrated supporter.

Beningway Hits New Low

Cassington's coaching team face the tough task this week, of restoring the morale of star player Ben Hemingway after the opener suffered a SICKENING double blow.

First, the ex-skipper's stumps were shattered during the defeat to Wantage. Then, his role models JEDWARD could only manage a disappointing 8th place in Saturday night's Eurovision Song Contest.

"He's in a pretty dark place right now, but I'm backing him to get through it", said spiritual adviser and fellow opener Vaughan Roberts.

"At least no-one will laugh at me anymore", said deluded Cassy non-rounder Martin Jones.

Slapheads Devour Fudge

Cassington set an OCA record during their win over Cairns Fudge by fielding no fewer than FIVE baldies.
Sun-screen was applied liberally and the Fudge players were forced to don sunglasses to avoid the glare, while the shampoo bottle in the showers was left untouched.
A fifty from Jason Fuller, 6 wickets from Phil Jack and a quick-fire 48 from non-baldie Chris Hardwick was enough to get Cassy over the line.
"I can think of four baldies, but I'm not sure who the fifth is", said ex-Skipper Ben Hemingway.

Hemingway Quits!!!

Cassington has been rocked to it's very core with the news that skipper Ben Hemingway has QUIT as captain.

Hemingway broke the news to stunned team-mates via e-mail early this week and his last game at the helm will be against Uffington on Saturday.

A hotly contested leadership battle is anticipated.

"It's really sad to see him go", said a delighted John Cotton.

Cotton Private Life Exposed

Cassington "leg-spinner" John Cotton has been exposed as a closet WIG-WEARER in the latest scandal to test the Cassington dressing room.

This site's webmaster (who Cotton ran out for zero during last Saturday's defeat at Minster Lovell) has discovered evidence of Cotton's shameful fetish.



More shocking images are online here

It's thought some team-mates are refusing to offer their support with Jason Fuller said to be particularly angry about Cotton's apparent dislike for baldness.

Cassington veteran Martin Jones has publicly backed the tweaker though. "We've all got our fetishes", he said.

No-one representing Cotton was available for comment.

Jack Attack

Cassington all-rounder Phil Jack has shocked his team-mates with an astonishing demand for recognition following the latest defeat at Horley.

A club insider told www.cassingtoncricket.co.uk that Jack was involved in a heated e-mail exchange with senior players who he felt had not sufficiently praised his performance.

During the game, Jack's bowling was SMASHED to all corners of the ground leaving skipper Ben Hemingway with NO CHOICE but to WITHDRAW him from the attack after just 6 overs.


Rumours that Cassington's players will miss training on Tuesday in solidarity with Jack have been denied. "They will miss training", said Hemingway, "but that's just because they can't be bothered showing up".

Heavy Air

The spotlight fell once again on Cassington groundsman Dave Cole as Vaughan Roberts blamed his wicket on "heavy air".

Roberts failed to clear the ropes and was caught on the edge of the square during Cassington's win against West Witney.

A furious Roberts raged "I've absolutely nailed that. It was a dead set six but Dave has not prepared the air correctly. I've hit loads of sixes and I know when I've middled one. Honestly. If we had been playing on a proper ground that ball would have never been found."

Cole was out of the country and unavailable for comment but faces crisis talks with concerned Cassington players on his return.

"There didn't seem to be much of a problem with the air when Big Jason Fuller was batting", said Big Jason Fuller.

Carry on Camping

Saturday's rain has left Cassington in the UNPRECEDENTED situation of having to play TWO away games in TWO days at the SAME ground.

Cassy's army of travelling fans were left stunned as the rain fell, while unconfirmed rumors of the squad CAMPING overnight at Stanton St John swept around The Red Lion.

"Camp?", said Cassington spinner John Cotton, "Only if I get to kill wild animals with my bare hands and rub the blood on my face and eat them and use them as hats and stuff".

All Aboard !!!

Cassington veteran Martin Jones fell foul of the fashion police during Cassington's defeat by Kennington on Saturday.

Ignoring the taunts of his team-mates, Jones took to the field in an oversize "cricket" cap resembling a train drivers hat.

His attempts to draw attention away from his headwear by bowling long hops and full tosses proved fruitless as he was quickly told to put it back on and dispatched to fine leg by skipper Ben Hemingway.

"Choo Choo", laughed wicket-keeper Pete Whitlock after the game.